Dear Neighbor,

Upon arriving at my home for lunch today, I was greeted with the most unpleasant odor of no less than twenty-five large soft-serve shaped droppings of what cannot be referred to as anything but "dog shit" on the grass of my lawn.  The repulsive stench almost induced vomiting, and if not for the relatively cold weather and the distraction caused by many buzzing disease-carrying flies, would have succeeded in me losing my lunch before I even had it.

While the first few occurrences of these suburban crop circles were amusing at best and annoying at worst, the accumulation of over two dozen of them has started to raise serious public health concerns.  The fertilizing value of carnivorous waste is rather lacking, so it is not doing either of our lawns much good.  We used to have many friends come over to visit, now all we hear is "Sorry, man, but your neighborhood smells like shit."  Well, that's because it IS shit.

Please clean up after your pet on a regular basis.  Otherwise I will be forced to move to more extreme measures, including but not limited to: 1) cooking fried fish and boiled cabbage and garlic on the hour with the exhaust fan aimed at your house, 2) planting Beggin Strips around your lawn and house laced with cyanide so that your puppy can teach itself to play dead 3) T.P.'ing your house with used T.P., 4) consuming an explosive combination of refried beans, Tapatio, rainbow sherbet, extra bold coffee, and 3 day-old sushi, waiting until you and your household are off to work, then proceeding to your property to undo my pants and spill diarrhea all over your driveway and welcome mat, in broad daylight.

Hopefully, we can solve this problem in a civilized manner and bring joy and fresh air back into our lives.

Sincerely,
Your Neighbor

is upon us.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/01/24/komodo.births.ap/index.html